Girl With One Track Mind (Sexhunters)
I Fell in Love on the Northern Line
Lament of a 25-year-old Spinster by Lorna Meehan
I'm a twenty-five-year-old spinster,
I still don't own a single set of matching underwear,
I've taken up knitting without the slightest hint of irony,
Some days I'm dressed head to foot in Primark and I don't even care!
I'm a twenty-five-year-old spinster,
Men have become those impossible ideals you gush over in films,
And tut at in real life 'cause of their lack of repressed English manners
And perfect side burns,
Chocolate has become a practical necessity,
Rather than a guilty indulgence,
I sometimes wish my fellow neurotic bookish girl mate was a man,
So I could marry her,
I sometimes wish I could just turn lesbian and give in to my half-hearted feminist principles,
And trample over pretty boys in my steel toe cap DMs,
Though inside my stomach churns,
At the thought of being misunderstood,
I'm not aloof and picky!
I'm just shy,
I watch depressing epic love stories and don't even cry,
'Cause to me they're just telling it like it is,
Rather than tugging at strings.
I think I may have come close to giving myself an orgasm once,
But I'm not really sure,
But for all the pleasure it brings,
I still feel slightly ashamed when I catch myself
Getting thrills off a plastic flourescent pink phallus,
It's not exactly very romantic,
Not that romance is really on the cards,
When you're destined to be that old lady,
At the end of the street,
With a thousand cats,
That mothers warn kids about,
And the only sex you get is Tantric.
I'm a twenty-five-year-old spinster,
My stretch marks have become comforting,
My cellulite part of my soul,
I'd go on a diet to harden the flab,
But it's not like anyone sees me naked,
I'd go speed dating if I thought
A bespeckled Star Wars geek who still lives with his mother,
Could fill the hole.
I'm a twenty-five-year-old spinster,
And the scary thing is,
It's not that bad,
Or is it just the blissful ignorance that comes,
With not missing what you've never had?
I'm not sure,
But I'm not sad,
'Cause there's nothing a James McAvoy DVD, six bars of Galaxy and cheap bottle of blonk can't cure.
Posted: June 2007. Copyright: Lorna Meehan.