Reviews
New comedy reviews - and our reviews archive.
Features Archive
Return to the Features Archive.
PHILL'S FEARS
BY OLLIE WILSON
PHILL JUPITUS is sitting in a swanky Soho patisserie and barking like a dog. Customers look up nervously from their croissants and Sunday newspapers, probably wondering if the big man of comedy has gone mad. In fact Jupitus is simply illustrating his response to his greatest fear - spiders.
Jupitus suffers from arachnophobia. He cannot stand being in the same room as a spider and is even afraid of taking therapy to cure his fear.
"I've had it since childhood. I don't know what started it," says Jupitus, his big eyes bulging. "When there's a spider in my house, I go mental. I couldn' t touch one. I had a terrible moment the other night when I was lounging about watching the telly and a spider came over the brow of sofa towards my head. I jumped up and barked like a dog. I don't know why I do that. I can't help it."
It is typical of Jupitus's initiative as a stand-up that he has turned the problem to his advantage - making his arachnophobia the central plank of his current tour, which has been filmed for a Christmas video.
Jupitus says: "I talk about how I handle the phobia. I have an understanding with my wife. She always goes, 'Stay there!' and I know there's one somewhere in the room. I go, 'How big is it?' and if tells me not to worry, I know it's really huge."
Testing out the spider routine at clubs, Jupitus found even worse arachnophobes than himself. A woman ran out of one gig screaming, he recalls.
"She was openly weeping when I was graphically describing a spider," he says. "More women admit to fearing spiders than men do. There a cure course that's done at London zoo which culminates with them putting a tarantula spider on your hand. But I just couldn't face doing it. I'd rather stay fearful."
The 38-year-old Essex Man star of the BBC2 hit panel show Never Mind The Buzzcocks says the show is also about his (lesser) fear of technology.
He calls himself a "total technophobe" unwilling to even change a light bulb. "Everything electrical I touch breaks. I recently bought a new telly and a DVD player and broke both items within a week," he says, almost proudly. "I am technically illiterate. And I'm not a manual reader.
I can't stand the terrible Stalinist language they're generally written in. When I looked at the instructions for my German-made TV, it didn't feel like the Berlin Wall had come down. I'm even afraid of changing a light bulb. Usually there are two switches that operate the light, I'm never sure if it's still live or not. And I'm afraid of putting in a new bulb and it coming on in my hand. I always think it'll kill me!"
Mod music fan Jupitus is calling the show Quodrophobia, and video will sport a cover photo of the big boy resting heavily on a scooter.
"After the title was decided, I realised I have only got two fears - not four. Please don't feel shortchanged on the phobias!"
After his tour and another Buzzcocks series, there is also the prospect of a West End acting role.
It was recently reported he had been offered - and accepted - a starring role in the West End comedy Art. Jupitus says the story is true, despite the categorical denial delivered by the show's publicist.
"It's in the pipeline," Phill says. "I'm scheduled to be in Art next Spring. As far as the denial is concerned, all I can say is that I haven't actually signed anything yet."
It will be his straight acting stage debut, but he says that holds no fear for him because of the amount of performance in his comedy act."
We are on our second round of coffees, and Jupitus obligingly brings up the subject of his weight.
He weighs 20 stone - and has the very rational fear that he might die young of heart disease.
Clad in a tent of a black shirt, Jupitus looks mountainous. He blames "over-eating" and "greed".
Our table at the Patisserie Valerie is overshadowed by a broad painting of a moustachioed and bowler-hatted man of immense girth, tucking into a plate of cream cakes. He looks like a 19th century version of Jupitus. Except that Phill has not succumbed to the creamy buns behind the counter.
"I'm getting a personal trainer," he says, glumly. "One doctor said I was healthy but overweight. He said he'd once given Les Dawson a clean bill of health and then, 'Les was dead within a week!' He was trying to tell me something.
"I think I have a eating disorder. I eat too much and my weight fluctuates wildly which is really bad for you. Harry Hill says I should lose weight and he's a doctor. I'm going to exercise and get my GP to monitor my weight. It'd be cool if I could get down to 16 stone, but that's four stone away. I don't want to die of a heart attack."
So is Phill Jupitus's greatest phobia really death?
He smiles and jokes: "It'd be lovely if it was - but Woody Allen's cornered that market!"
© 2000 J C Wilson